An Explanation

[Fluffernuff]

The title I know is vague, but this is probably the only subforum I can put this in. I'm not really the best microphone for this topic either, and I could possibly offend those who read it with how I recall the events.

I've been meaning to make a post like this for quite some time. A very long time. So long, in fact, that I'm not even sure if I've already made it. Unfortunately, there's not too much to debate here, but due to how long I've known you all here and the length of time I have... I feel you deserve an explanation of my condition and my chronic absences. Though I do not feel quite comfortable with explaining the why, as it divulges personal matters of others than myself.

To cut to the chase, as of March 2014, I've had pretty severe Depression. Though I didn't know it at the time. This was around the time I was the most active around these forums, I believe, and the start of my long departures. There was quite a few life-altering events that happened one after the other over the course of 4 months.

Life goes on, of course, but being the introvert I am, this depression turned to possibly it's worst stage, and I wanted to commit suicide. 6 months later, I made the single biggest regret of my life. My family still had no idea of my depression, hiding it from them. On Christmas of all days, they decided to not spend it together. I told them it would be fine if they left the house in my care. That's when I attempted to kill myself, alone in my house late on Christmas Eve.

Needless to say, I'm here. I failed. It took several months later for me to finally tell anyone of my depression. It was extremely difficult as well. Admitting the severity of it, while keeping my attempt in the back of my mind. I was ashamed, guilty of the constant lie I still keep from my mother, defeated as some sort of selfish pride kept me from saying anything in the first place...

I sought professional help (which is another discussion entirely), I started to meet those who would support me, and while my life isn't entirely on track, I can say I'm... happy.

It's been quite the battle for me. Perhaps even a short one comparatively, but I feel I'm succeeding... it's been several months since I've had any thoughts to harm myself. I feel if they surface, I have the means to push them back, as well.

I'm thankful to you all for being a small part of my life during this time. Though I didn't seek it, you all here have been quite friendly... had I simply swallowed my pride, I'm sure there would have been quite a bit of support for me as well. For that I apologize...

There isn't anyone here that I wouldn't consider a friend in one small way or another. Hopefully, EO5 can bring me back into the habit of checking in here more regularly so I can properly repay you all.

Thank you.

[zamisk]

No apology needed. Glad you made it, friend. If you ever want to talk, we're here for you.

[astrich]

I admit, I've never spoken to you, but I'll support you. Having depression is rough, and I know how terrible it is to get that low. Best of luck in the future~

[heprea]

[Fluffernuff]

I apologize for letting this sit for a while. Coming back to this and reliving my own shortcomings is rather difficult.

I thank you for the kind words. I've been putting most of my efforts lately toward building walls and preventing myself from slipping into those same habits again. I currently don't and have not seen any professionals in a long time. This unfortunately means I gotta stop hating myself and put in some actual effort for self preservation. Darn!

[Fluffernuff]

I know the admins frown upon double posting and the like, but I honestly feel that I should keep what I'm about to post about separate from general acknowledgement. I apologize, guys!



While my post here is mostly for offering some insight into why someone like me can fall off the face of the planet... I also want to voice the fact that...

No one ever deserves this. I truly feel even the scum of the earth do not deserve that mindset. Even without suicide, Depression is... it's a very difficult thing to describe.

For me it was a constant swirling void that just... fed on itself constantly. Any praise, any positivity, and acknowledgement had some sort of motive. I didn't deserve anything. I didn't want anything. I had no energy, no motivation. Why try? Constant paranoia. All feeding into itself. Negativity, scolding, even mundane nagging ate away at me. A constant hatred targetted toward myself. An honest, genuine true though- I was nothing but a leech causing misery to those I cared for most by merely existing. They could not be happy so long as I was left breathing.

Again, I truly would never wish that upon anyone. Permitting me some overused hyperbole- I wouldn't even wish that upon the likes of Hitler, Stalin, -insert historical figure infamous for their cruelty here-, anyone. This is why I decided to post this here to the Serious corner as well.

There isn't much to really debate, and I would hope everyone would agree. Depression is terrible. Suicide is... awful.

It's quite odd, really. I'm just using this forum here to let out all my thoughts without much rhyme or reason. I'm just rambling, preaching to the choir. It's bad form. Part of me is just using this to let out these thoughts I've kept mostly to myself for so long. I want my own experience and fight against this to show that the fight isn't impossible. Whether or not it even reaches those that need it... This, I'm sure, is more than long enough, so I'll stop my mad selfish ravings here for now.

[noodles]

double posting is ok, that's not really a rule anymore. Feel free to vent as much as you like

[heprea]