Postby noodles » Sun Dec 27, 2009 4:05 am
First I'd like to say welcome, it is good to have you aboard, and you really should have signed up back when you first started coming here!
Also nice to have another person from socal.
As for your story, I once again have to say thank you for bringing life back to our fanfiction section. I got a feel for your character very fast, and she is fleshed out well enough. I would very much like to read more, and I would like to see how you handle other characters.
However, my problem is that you wrote it like a breezy conversation. There is a difference between characterization through narration and effective writing. For example, you use ellipses (...) far too often. It is not used in normal speech. It does not indicate a pause as you are using it. Writing ANYWAYS also does not add anything to your story.
Sorry if I seem harsh, I really do want to read more. And again, welcome.
Last edited by
noodles on Sun Dec 27, 2009 6:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
