Unconventional

[Sampson]

~~~Unconventional~~~

The cool breeze of the Auburn Thicket softly tickled the face of Angus, the valiant leader of the Birch Guild, named for his brother, who was named Birch, and also for his sister, who was also named Birch.

"Feels good, huh?" came a hoarse female voice from behind the survivalist. The voice belonged to none other than Cecilia, a medic whose bust was as large as her talent.

I will not introduce you to the next undoubtedly perfect member of the Birch Guild, because that would just be boring.

Instead, I would like to show you a rather interesting, to say the least, band of explorers.

Their guild had no name. Actually, they probably didn't even know guilds existed.

This group, currently engaged in combat with a rather fiery Salamox, was led--if that's the proper term--by a nobleman named Frillion.

Frillion was immobile. You see, being a nobleman, he knew that you are what you wear. Frillion, as a result, wore fancy clothes. But one can only include so much fanciness in what they wear. Thus, Frillion wore layer upon layer of fine, imported clothing until he could no longer move. His talents consisted of shouting and looking insightful as he smoked on his pipe.

Then there was Bertha, who liked hitting things with a pan.

"I like hitting things with a pan!" she ecstatically exclaimed, as if aware of the fourth wall.

"Well, show it, then! Hit that chicken with your pan!" shouted Frillion in return.

"Aw, but that's mean..." whined a gloomy looking girl.

This morose lass was named Jane, and her vices included smoking, drinking, smoking while drinking, and offering advice to others concerning smoking and drinking. Frillion always kept her with him so that he could look fancier when he smoked.

"Hey...isn't smoking banned in here?" asked Jane.

Frillion cocked an eyebrow at the girl. "Yes, but I have money. You don't."

Anyway, on to the next person.

Bob was a businessman. But his parents wanted him to be a warrior. Bob tried to argue that the fiscal benefits to having a businessman as a son far outweighed having a warrior as a son, seeing as how only about four percent of warrior sons survived. Bob's parents often complained about why his breasts were taking so much time to develop. Bob's parents were alcoholics.

Bob unenthusiastically slashed his sword at the Salamox, missing. The Salamox returned the favor by breathing fire at the poor man, killing him.

A cloaked man that smelled like cheese smelled the man, coughed, poked the man, coughed again, and turned to Frillion. "He's dead," he said dryly.

"So it seems!" needlessly shouted the nobleman. "I say, Melville, that's been our first casualty so far, hasn't it? Well, slather some nectar on him and--" Unfortunately, his yelling attracted the attention of the bird thing, and it burned him alive, clothes and all.

Melville skipped over to Frillion's corpse. "Oops, it appears that I have no nectars, sir, should I--oh. You're dead."

Suddenly, Melville smiled. "Thank God," he said, as he--or should I say, she--took off her clothes, revealing standard female organs.

"Sparkly magic, AWAY!" shouted she, and away she went.

"Bertha, I think we should go...everyone's dead. And I could really use a cigarette," complained Jane.

"OH MY GOD. SHUT UP, JANE," loudly said Bertha.

As if agreeing with the pan-obsessed woman, the Salamox breathed fire (not much variety in its attacks, really) at the girl, killing her or something.

"Just you and me, chickie! Just--"

Guess what happened?
A) The Salamox gave up and left.
B) Frillion came back to life and gave the Salamox a spanking.
C) Bertha killed the Salamox.
D) The Salamox killed Bertha with fire.

If you guessed B, you're wrong, but I applaud your sense of humor.

If you guessed D, you're right!

And Bertha kept hitting that Salamox for 0 damage, right until the moment she died.

[Dangerus]

Before reading this: Oh look! It's about cooking a Salamox [after reading the poll]

After reading this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95SYdjRVCR0

This was hilarious. I had no idea nameless Guilds get this much fail...

[faltzar2]

Oh my god. This is amazing. You win all the internets, and a Flame Puff to boot!