Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 5:46 am
LOL, yeah, Kino. The narration will change DEFINITELY and don't worry about the "show don't tell". When I do these little story things I'm more interested in getting out the "idea" that I have trapped in my head before it flows away and I lose it forever, so correct prose composition is at the back burner.
Yes, yes, I get that vibe, too. Actually the whole scene reminds me of that scene in Spirited Away with the lamp and Sen. Not an intentional but it's there.
^_^ Yeah, these pieces don't worry about criticising me on anything. I do these pieces ALL THE TIME. I open up a document and begin typing. Usually it's to get a scene out that I have trapped in my head, other times I just want to see where it leads. LOL, so, don't waste your breathe or time critiquing it, Kino.
Some are simple paragraphs like that and others can be as fully detailed as this (I even gave it a title... this was from like three years ago)
[spoiler]Story 1: The Border Protector
Chapter 1: Memory Lost
It tasted like honey. That’s what he decided. And smelt like a the scent of a warm summer wind as it came over the top of a flower-covered hill. No, probably sweeter than that. It was soft and wet. The world around him seemed to disappear - he could no longer even make out the annoying sound of her mom calling out for her to come in for dinner. For a split second, he wondered desperately whether or not he should close his eyes. He wanted to keep them open and suck in all her beauty. However, it was like something had taken a hold of him and that inner impulse closed his eyes.
Jerkily he lifted up his arms, unsure of the action, but slowly he wrapped his arms around her waist, moving his hands up slowly until they were wrapped around her back, hugging her tightly to him.
And then she pulled away, slowly, reluctantly, and the two of them opened their eyes as if in sync. A thin, mischievous smile spread across her lovely red lips. Spinning around, she took off across the field, meeting her mom and running into the house with only a quick look his way as she disappeared behind the door.
Awed and in shock, he stood there, touching his fingers to his lips as he remembered the taste. His head was swimming. Then, finally, things started to come back in focus. A same thin smile that she had wore spread across his face. What was more, a tingling started down in the deep pit of his stomach and it worked up higher and higher until finally:
“WAHOOO!!” he shouted, spreading his arms out wide and falling back hard on the ground where he was swallowed deep in the green grass.
“S-s-s-s-o… w-w-w-ould you… w-would you like to … l-l-like to g-g-g-go out… with m… with m… m-m-m…” were the last words that he had stuttered out, desperately attempting to communicate with Serene. Why couldn’t he just say that one simple sentence?!
And then, that one, single, totally exciting kiss. How long had it lasted? He could remember. He couldn’t figure it out. Time had absolutely stopped.
Oh God! Had her mom seen? What about her dad?
Sitting up, he looked out and across to the field where several men were working with with large sickles and scythes. He found the silhouette of Serene’s dad but if the man had seen anything he showed no sign of it.
Blushing, suddenly he felt the intense urge to get away from there. Rolling onto his stomach, he took off through the grass on all fours, hiding as best he could inside the tall grass.
Twelve. His first kiss at the age of twelve. How lucky was that? Even better - his first love. His first kiss with the first girl that he ever liked after his first confession. Crawling on all fours, he found himself suddenly up on his legs, running across the field, unable to contain his emotion.
“Serene! The most beautiful girl I ever saw! She’s mine!” he cheered. “She’s my girl! Serene!!”
****
Serene? My girl Serene? Serene… Serene…
Where he was, he wasn’t even sure. Opening his eyes, he tried desperately to get his bearings. Dark… no everything was just way too dark. No… wait… a light…. A single orb of light.
“Are you ok?” a female voice called out to him.
“Huh?”
“I’m asking you… are you ok?”
The orb… was talking…. “WAAAAAAAAH!!” He jumped up to his feet and took off in the other direction, clueless of where he was going.
But something hard collided with his feet and he tripped head over hills and crashed into the ground.
“A… are you ok?!” the voice exclaimed.
“W… what are you?!” he yelled as he turned over onto his back to stare up at the orb of light.
“What am I?” the voice from the orb asked as if confused by the question.
“Yes… you… it is you that is talking, right?”
“Of course it’s me talking!” the voice exclaimed with a slight giggle.
“That’s not what I meant. I meant is it this orb of light that’s talking to me?”
“Orb of light?”
“Yes! This!” he yelled, pointing at the light. “The only source of light in this whole dark place!”
“Oh! That’s right… I’m all lit up right now. Sorry.” Suddenly the orb of light disappeared. “There. Can you see me now?”
He sat up, sighing in resignation. “No… now I have no light at all.”
“Oh dear…” The light returned. “What to do… what to do…” Suddenly the orb started flitting up and down, back and forth, speeding through the air in a side-ways figure eight.
“Umm… calm down for one. Why don’t we start off with figuring out why it’s this dark to begin with?”
The orb stopped in place for a second. “Well, it’s only natural to be dark, right?”
“It is? Natural?”
“Of course. I mean, it’s usually dark in caves, you know. Unless of course there’s some sort of fungi growing on the walls or something.”
“C…cave? I’m in a cave? Well… where’s the exit?”
“Exit? Oh. That’s easy - just follow me!”
And off the orb went, flitting away and turning a corner somewhere.
He jumped up and took off after it. “Hey! Hey wait! I can’t follow you like that! Come back. Hey, Orb!”
Searching desperately for the corner the orb had turned.
[/spoiler]
And other times....
[spoiler]Boy finds himself in the sea beside a small port town. Meets four people he becomes incredibly close with. Suddenly gods show up and kidnap the three children, but Max is left behind. Goes off on quest tracking them down. One of the children manage to escape. Other three are left but when creatures bring before another god, takes one of the boys (three boys, one girl) and awakens the “god” that’s in him. He takes and keeps the girl but the boy he supposedly kills - but he goes to his own underground where he was once a God and is awakened while down there. The first child who escaped meets a few companions and awakens one of them as a god and discovers that he was a trigger and while he’s not a God himself - he IS a powerful being.
Max meets his alter ego companion “The Mystic One”. She explains to him that he is actually a “guardian” that is dropped occasionally to act with her as the world’s single defense-mechanism. However, it seems that when the boy-god erased everything as part of his plan, it caught him, too. Mystie tells him that usually the two of them are kept separate and never meet while they both play their separate parts (she initiates the program to protect the humans, while Max attacks the god that is acting up) but this time it seems that things have changed. In addition to him having lost his memories, she has also lost the human she was suppose to go to - unable to reach because of the dark god being present. It is now Max’s duty to take Mystie to the human - the girl. Mystie is in fact a very powerful sword.
The dark god boy is attacked by the other two children and their companions defeat him. The girl is kidnapped again by the darker god who was helping and carries her off. The others run off to try to save her leaving the dark boy behind. Lieing on the ground, he goes through his memories and cries desperately asking for forgiveness and wishing to return back to those funner times.
That is where Max finds him. Talking he feels his memories slowly return as he listens to his friend’s wishes. Talk to his friend, he feels his memories trying to return. Holding out his hand, he bequeaths his friend to join him and that together they can return to that long ago time - together. Boy cries harder even as he sits up saying how impossible that is - because in actuality Max is nothing more than a phantom. A tear from the clouds that comes only once in a while: the “god slayer”. Max then realizes suddenly that all this time the boy was his trigger. The boy saying those words. His memory is instantly re-triggered and he remembers everything. The blood he has spilt of the immortals he has fought. How the humans he had always viewed as pathetic had quelled things from their end until he was able to deliver the final stroke.
“But, this time, things are different. You’ll see. Either way, I’m not giving up. It’s our promise. Together, the five of us will return to our hometown. I swear it!”
Together, the two head after the God and their friends. The true enemy smiles upon seeing both Max and Mystie together - this is what he wanted. The twins together. Tells Max to put Mystie into a stone sheath on an alter to seal her and uses the girl. Just before Max complies, however, the underworld boy appears, full of vengeful thoughts. In the last plan the bastard had launched his beloved Persephone had gotten caught up in it and was killed by Max. “Remember me? *sneer*”. Attacks the god with his scythe. Max hurls Mystie up to the girl who catches it and sticks its blade into the God at the same time. But it doesn’t work.
Four have to change back to alter egos in some way?
[/spoiler]
This "I hate fantasy" one is a combination of both.
The second example I threw behind a spoiler tag is my "usual". You'll see me do these "outlines" more than you'll see me do the story format. *shrugs* Again, it's just me throwing out an idea ASAP. I have a number of these documents. You should see my story folder. ....
some are only three words long and some just a mere two sentences. Awww, I didn't get the idea out fast enough I suppose. *sniffle*
Yes, yes, I get that vibe, too. Actually the whole scene reminds me of that scene in Spirited Away with the lamp and Sen. Not an intentional but it's there.
^_^ Yeah, these pieces don't worry about criticising me on anything. I do these pieces ALL THE TIME. I open up a document and begin typing. Usually it's to get a scene out that I have trapped in my head, other times I just want to see where it leads. LOL, so, don't waste your breathe or time critiquing it, Kino.
Some are simple paragraphs like that and others can be as fully detailed as this (I even gave it a title... this was from like three years ago)
[spoiler]Story 1: The Border Protector
Chapter 1: Memory Lost
It tasted like honey. That’s what he decided. And smelt like a the scent of a warm summer wind as it came over the top of a flower-covered hill. No, probably sweeter than that. It was soft and wet. The world around him seemed to disappear - he could no longer even make out the annoying sound of her mom calling out for her to come in for dinner. For a split second, he wondered desperately whether or not he should close his eyes. He wanted to keep them open and suck in all her beauty. However, it was like something had taken a hold of him and that inner impulse closed his eyes.
Jerkily he lifted up his arms, unsure of the action, but slowly he wrapped his arms around her waist, moving his hands up slowly until they were wrapped around her back, hugging her tightly to him.
And then she pulled away, slowly, reluctantly, and the two of them opened their eyes as if in sync. A thin, mischievous smile spread across her lovely red lips. Spinning around, she took off across the field, meeting her mom and running into the house with only a quick look his way as she disappeared behind the door.
Awed and in shock, he stood there, touching his fingers to his lips as he remembered the taste. His head was swimming. Then, finally, things started to come back in focus. A same thin smile that she had wore spread across his face. What was more, a tingling started down in the deep pit of his stomach and it worked up higher and higher until finally:
“WAHOOO!!” he shouted, spreading his arms out wide and falling back hard on the ground where he was swallowed deep in the green grass.
“S-s-s-s-o… w-w-w-ould you… w-would you like to … l-l-like to g-g-g-go out… with m… with m… m-m-m…” were the last words that he had stuttered out, desperately attempting to communicate with Serene. Why couldn’t he just say that one simple sentence?!
And then, that one, single, totally exciting kiss. How long had it lasted? He could remember. He couldn’t figure it out. Time had absolutely stopped.
Oh God! Had her mom seen? What about her dad?
Sitting up, he looked out and across to the field where several men were working with with large sickles and scythes. He found the silhouette of Serene’s dad but if the man had seen anything he showed no sign of it.
Blushing, suddenly he felt the intense urge to get away from there. Rolling onto his stomach, he took off through the grass on all fours, hiding as best he could inside the tall grass.
Twelve. His first kiss at the age of twelve. How lucky was that? Even better - his first love. His first kiss with the first girl that he ever liked after his first confession. Crawling on all fours, he found himself suddenly up on his legs, running across the field, unable to contain his emotion.
“Serene! The most beautiful girl I ever saw! She’s mine!” he cheered. “She’s my girl! Serene!!”
****
Serene? My girl Serene? Serene… Serene…
Where he was, he wasn’t even sure. Opening his eyes, he tried desperately to get his bearings. Dark… no everything was just way too dark. No… wait… a light…. A single orb of light.
“Are you ok?” a female voice called out to him.
“Huh?”
“I’m asking you… are you ok?”
The orb… was talking…. “WAAAAAAAAH!!” He jumped up to his feet and took off in the other direction, clueless of where he was going.
But something hard collided with his feet and he tripped head over hills and crashed into the ground.
“A… are you ok?!” the voice exclaimed.
“W… what are you?!” he yelled as he turned over onto his back to stare up at the orb of light.
“What am I?” the voice from the orb asked as if confused by the question.
“Yes… you… it is you that is talking, right?”
“Of course it’s me talking!” the voice exclaimed with a slight giggle.
“That’s not what I meant. I meant is it this orb of light that’s talking to me?”
“Orb of light?”
“Yes! This!” he yelled, pointing at the light. “The only source of light in this whole dark place!”
“Oh! That’s right… I’m all lit up right now. Sorry.” Suddenly the orb of light disappeared. “There. Can you see me now?”
He sat up, sighing in resignation. “No… now I have no light at all.”
“Oh dear…” The light returned. “What to do… what to do…” Suddenly the orb started flitting up and down, back and forth, speeding through the air in a side-ways figure eight.
“Umm… calm down for one. Why don’t we start off with figuring out why it’s this dark to begin with?”
The orb stopped in place for a second. “Well, it’s only natural to be dark, right?”
“It is? Natural?”
“Of course. I mean, it’s usually dark in caves, you know. Unless of course there’s some sort of fungi growing on the walls or something.”
“C…cave? I’m in a cave? Well… where’s the exit?”
“Exit? Oh. That’s easy - just follow me!”
And off the orb went, flitting away and turning a corner somewhere.
He jumped up and took off after it. “Hey! Hey wait! I can’t follow you like that! Come back. Hey, Orb!”
Searching desperately for the corner the orb had turned.
[/spoiler]
And other times....
[spoiler]Boy finds himself in the sea beside a small port town. Meets four people he becomes incredibly close with. Suddenly gods show up and kidnap the three children, but Max is left behind. Goes off on quest tracking them down. One of the children manage to escape. Other three are left but when creatures bring before another god, takes one of the boys (three boys, one girl) and awakens the “god” that’s in him. He takes and keeps the girl but the boy he supposedly kills - but he goes to his own underground where he was once a God and is awakened while down there. The first child who escaped meets a few companions and awakens one of them as a god and discovers that he was a trigger and while he’s not a God himself - he IS a powerful being.
Max meets his alter ego companion “The Mystic One”. She explains to him that he is actually a “guardian” that is dropped occasionally to act with her as the world’s single defense-mechanism. However, it seems that when the boy-god erased everything as part of his plan, it caught him, too. Mystie tells him that usually the two of them are kept separate and never meet while they both play their separate parts (she initiates the program to protect the humans, while Max attacks the god that is acting up) but this time it seems that things have changed. In addition to him having lost his memories, she has also lost the human she was suppose to go to - unable to reach because of the dark god being present. It is now Max’s duty to take Mystie to the human - the girl. Mystie is in fact a very powerful sword.
The dark god boy is attacked by the other two children and their companions defeat him. The girl is kidnapped again by the darker god who was helping and carries her off. The others run off to try to save her leaving the dark boy behind. Lieing on the ground, he goes through his memories and cries desperately asking for forgiveness and wishing to return back to those funner times.
That is where Max finds him. Talking he feels his memories slowly return as he listens to his friend’s wishes. Talk to his friend, he feels his memories trying to return. Holding out his hand, he bequeaths his friend to join him and that together they can return to that long ago time - together. Boy cries harder even as he sits up saying how impossible that is - because in actuality Max is nothing more than a phantom. A tear from the clouds that comes only once in a while: the “god slayer”. Max then realizes suddenly that all this time the boy was his trigger. The boy saying those words. His memory is instantly re-triggered and he remembers everything. The blood he has spilt of the immortals he has fought. How the humans he had always viewed as pathetic had quelled things from their end until he was able to deliver the final stroke.
“But, this time, things are different. You’ll see. Either way, I’m not giving up. It’s our promise. Together, the five of us will return to our hometown. I swear it!”
Together, the two head after the God and their friends. The true enemy smiles upon seeing both Max and Mystie together - this is what he wanted. The twins together. Tells Max to put Mystie into a stone sheath on an alter to seal her and uses the girl. Just before Max complies, however, the underworld boy appears, full of vengeful thoughts. In the last plan the bastard had launched his beloved Persephone had gotten caught up in it and was killed by Max. “Remember me? *sneer*”. Attacks the god with his scythe. Max hurls Mystie up to the girl who catches it and sticks its blade into the God at the same time. But it doesn’t work.
Four have to change back to alter egos in some way?
[/spoiler]
This "I hate fantasy" one is a combination of both.
The second example I threw behind a spoiler tag is my "usual". You'll see me do these "outlines" more than you'll see me do the story format. *shrugs* Again, it's just me throwing out an idea ASAP. I have a number of these documents. You should see my story folder. ....
some are only three words long and some just a mere two sentences. Awww, I didn't get the idea out fast enough I suppose. *sniffle*