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Umm...why not make both goals reasonable. There isn't any real law saying that the antagonist's goal can't be sensible. In fact, it would be most interesting if both protagonist and antagonist's goals were quite good, but simply could not both be achieved.

Umm...I guess a good example is Code Geass. The protagonist, Lelouch is a grandstanding and scheming mastermind of a rebellion. He does this, in great part to take down his father over a personal grudge and has no qualms using and manipulating other people. On the other side is Suzaku, a well meaning and hard working soldier who has chosen to try and change the corrupt government from the inside (until he goes over the moral horizon in the second season). It is perfectly possible for the story to have been told with Suzaku as the protagonist and Lelouch as the charismatic and manipulative villain.

Umm...I apologize, but I am unfamiliar with the people in your story. Who or what is dark-matter (unless its the actual physical material of invisible mass). If it takes the form of Bunny, is it through some relation Bunny or simply because it is replicating its foe's form?

So, I have two days to finish writing this for my friend... While I don't think it matters much if I make the deadline, I.... >/////>

Anyways, anyone want to give me critiques and suggestions on how to make this better?

[spoiler]
The snow gently piled up on the ground as two travelers came up on a village of the Northern Region. As they walked the slushy road, something caught the taller one of the two's eye. A small red dot in the snow. He held his hand up, a sign for the short one to stop. He turned around and walked back to the red dot.

"Is this what I think it is?" he muttered as he crouched down in the ankle deep snow. His gloved hands protected him from the cold as he dug around the dot, careful to not get too close. "It is!" He turned around, calling the short traveler over. "Nancy, take a look at this."

"What is it, Mylin?" she asked, crouching next to him. In the center of the little area the man had dug out, was a flower with white petals and a cherry colored stigma. She never saw a flower like it, in her life. "What is it?"

"It's Bellis alba, more commonly known as the Albino Flower. They only grow in this part of the world and in this season," he explained. He stood up and scratched his cheek. "They say that whoever holds one will find love in a short time." He crouched back down and picked the flower, placing it behind her ear. "I've had enough lovers to last a last time. You should give it a shot." Underneath her white hair, Nancy's blushing face resembled the stigma. "What's with that look?"

"I-i-it's nothing," she stuttered, turning around so that Mylin did not see her twisting her hair around her fingers as they headed into town. She kept her down, but at an angle so to keep the flower from fall out from behind her ear.

"Well, alright." She looked up at Mylin as he turned around and lead her once more. That man certainly did have enough lovers, if one could call a guild of women trying to capture him love. Then there was that woman he met, while he was in prison.

How can I compare with them? she thought, lowering her head, catching the Albino Flower as it fell from her hair. She looked at Mylin, letting out a defeated sigh. There was no way he'd be interested in a girl like her. He was not even close to her age, and he always treated her more like a sister than a lover. She followed Mylin to a tavern, where she would fill her stomach alongside him, after going without dinner the night before.

"Find a table, Nancy," Mylin said. "We're going to eat like royalty tonight!" He approached the bartender. "An ale for the girl n' me." With a nod, the bartender caught the gold coin that Mylin flipped from his hand into his. As the bartender walked to Nancy's table with her drink, Mylin sat on a stool next to an auburn-haired woman with an eye-patch and large tawny hawk wings.[/spoiler]

Basically, the direction I want to take this story is to focus on Nancy eating alone, while Mylin is talking with this woman--who my friend would recognize as one of her other characters (who canonically was my character's girlfriend during their time in prison together--long story).

If I hadn't started on this already, I would have done something very cute and fluffy with Bunny and Kitten for her.

Ahhhh. I feel so much better now to be working towards an animation project with absolutely no constraints. Even though I can make a product that is outside-of-the-box, sometimes I end up adding too many elements of the setting and universe that just results in a bigger box. And with some reflection I have dispelled the box! Which basically meant starting something completely new, but that is okay. :]

Umm...I am no expert writer, but Drathi, the piece you submitted seems solid enough. Unfortunately, there is not enough main plot material for me to comment on that aspect. Unless this is an incredibly short piece that is. There are a number of small grammatical and conventional errors, so I would suggest you proofread this a bit.

If you are interested in the ones I found:
[spoiler]
"taller one of the two's eye" this part seems awkwardly worded. It is already established that its a pair of people, so "the taller one's eye" would suffice.

"She never saw a flower like it, in her life" This sentence has gone out of past tense in the first half. The comma is also unnecessary. I would suggest something like: "She had never seen such a flower in her life."

"to last a last time" I am going to assume you meant "to last a life time".

"You should give it a shot." this sentence does not feel appropriate as a whole sentence, just combine it with the previous one using a comma.

"Nancy's blushing face resembled the stigma. "What's with that look?" " Because Nancy is the last person you mentioned, it sounds like she is the one saying the quote, which doesn't make sense.

"turning around so that Mylin did not see her twisting her hair around her fingers as they headed into town" Unless she is walking backwards, she can't remain turned around the whole way to town. It would be better if she did something like turn her head only, or avert her gaze.

"She kept her down, but at an angle so to keep the flower from fall out from behind her ear." I assume you meant "kept her head down" and "falling" instead of "fall" would be correct.

"Well, alright." with this quote, you are, again, not making it clear who is speaking.

"letting out a defeated sigh." It sounds like Mylin is the one sighing.

"where she would fill her stomach alongside him, after going without dinner the night before." This part seems unnecessary and a bit like a run-on. Consider making it another sentence or dropping it.

"Mylin flipped from his hand into his." It sounds like Mylin flipped a coin from one of his hands to the other and the bartender caught it rather than Mylin flipping the coin to the bartender.

"As the bartender walked to Nancy's table with her drink, Mylin sat on a stool next to an auburn-haired woman with an eye-patch and large tawny hawk wings." This sentence is odd from a plot perspective. It has been established the whole time that Mylin and Nancy are traveling together as a pair. Since there is no indication that Mylin knows the eye-patch woman, it seems very strange that he would suddenly abandon his companion to go chat with a stranger at the bar. Unless this is established to be some sort of habit of his, this would be a very rude thing to do. If he has recognized the lady, it would be better for him to at least tell Nancy first.

Overall, these are all small grammar and convention errors that do not detract from the quality of the overall product. The sample you have given is rather short, but there are no serious problems with it. I do hope this helps.
[/spoiler]




Umm....roselhort, may I ask what it is you are working on? Also, are you a professional animator?