General Writing

[Kinokokao]

I like that idea, Sampson!

I've realized that my story has a serious flaw with the view-point character. Being as it is first-person, present-tense, with an extremely limited understanding of the greater world, it's just getting more and more awkward. Would he know to call a ship's deck a deck? What about sails? the hold? is it a ship, or just a large boat? can he identify velvet or silk or gold or vests or breeches? he can't talk to anyone (I have a way to fix this, later, but right now he can't understand anyone's speech and they can't understand him*) I love all these things, but they're making it hard to write the story. Likewise I have him well situated to both explain the world he's entering and the world he's leaving, but I have no foil to offer as an explanation of him.

Case in point, I'm considering adding a secondary narration. I've been dying to try dual-narrators ever since reading Melusine and Havemercy, both of which worked so well and really got me thinking about the perks of it. You have all the added benefits of the first-person, but you have a second set of eyes and second frame of knowledge to explain things to the reader.

So I would still have my awkward narration for the MC's initial few sequences, but the pressure's off to be all that coherent since I can keep the reader grounded with the second narration. Then, when the two meet, I can thread their story together and really expand my options.

That being said and decided, I still have the opening bit in which the two characters have not met and aren't even in the same city, let alone in the same country or, hell, even on the same land mass. I have plenty for the MC to be doing, but I'll need to come up with something for the 2nd MC (who, I suppose, must now get a name...)

Anyway, no real point to this, just articulating what'd been flying around in my head all day. And speaking of magic systems, I need to formalize mine and lay out the rules for non-MC magic, especially since I'm considering making MC2 a mage/wizard/whatever, but using a different type.

[Maxine MagicFox]

[Maxine MagicFox]

[greycolors]

Umm...This is one of the reasons that I write a lot of my stories in third person. I know that I lose a bit of what is going on in the main characters head, but in return, I get to describe everything going on around them much more clearly. I suppose the main reason I like to do this is because most of my stories take place in settings rather different from our earth. For example, in the work I put up in the art and stories section, I used third person because describing Armoroad in my main character's thoughts would have been tricky.

[Kinokokao]

[zamisk]

[NessySchu]

[greycolors]

Umm...Kinokokao, I agree with you. First person is much more personal and can easily have the character's distinct flavor. Since third person is separated from the direct input of the character, it loses out on personal input in return for an unlimited view of the surroundings. I suppose it comes down to whether you want your setting or your characters personalities to drive the story more. That said, with such a strong and interesting character as the one you quoted, your story will probably be very fun.



Maxine, thanks for the summary. The Dailin remind me a bit of the greek gods. All powerful beings who have life so under control that they have little else to do except bicker amongst each other and amuse themselves. The idea that they like to pretend not to have powers is an interesting quirk. It makes me think that they either feel that "its lonely at the top" since no one can challenge or oppose them, or else they are trying to prove that they "are strong enough to not need powers". Having nearly omnipotent powerhouses like them is tricky sometimes though. Especially since it takes a proportionally ridiculous amount of power or skill to even oppose them. I am going to assume that your main character will be either one of the secret Dailin or else one heck of a "chess master".

[zamisk]

4 hours of sleep for several days in a row doesn't cut it

[Maxine MagicFox]

[Drathi]

[Maxine MagicFox]

[Kinokokao]

[Maxine MagicFox]

No, feel free to critique Kino. It wasn't what I wanted critiqued until the end there but I do want the criticism, though I hope you don't mind if I "argue" a little because I want to defend my decisions and see if it still holds up - if you feel it doesn't then I've learned even more. :3 So I hope you don't get bothered if I seem to get defensive.

As for your critiques of "who", Maxine is in a bathroom doing detention chores (cleaning it) and Alain just shows up. So, there's only two people: Maxine and Alain. Maxine runs out of the room... I'd like to think that most people can figure out "who" is speaking.

^_^; But, it's funny you say this 'cause usually when I go through my story I feel I've written TOO many names.

Maxine said. Maxine did. Maxine used. Maxine was. Maxine decided.

As for my writing style: omniscient. I have some chapters that focuses on Maxine, some starts out with her friends. Then I do some foreshadow scenes from another "who is this?" perspective. (FYI, in this scene, Alain has not introduced herself.)


*wipes her hands clean* I hope you feel up to a little more critiquing Kino.

Here is my first chapter. It is in "Final Form - Revision #1" which means other than grammar and a few minor rewrites, this is the story as-is. The events are not going to change other than the obvious actions and such as I shine up my story and get it to perfection. I've not even passed it through a spellcheck other than the normal red squiggly line shit, so it's not even gone through a proof read. Spent all day on this, and I feel rather satisfied. o_o And nervous. This is a major milestone as I've never gotten to this point in a story. ((Still have to work on the stories final handful of chapters, FYI, but I'm bouncing between both since I've discovered some plotholes I want to be sure are patched up))

And if it sucks, that's fine. I prefer the brutal treatment. Fans are brutal. Publishers are brutal.

Oh, the "stars" are in there, FYI. I'll do the transition thing since I do agree. I think it's better when there is a better transition, unless it's something as extreme as one of my perspective transfers in another location.

spoiled for length
Enjoy!

Objectives (to show what conditions needed met, just FYI and critique use)
[spoiler]
- Maxine gets into fight - broken wand
- She gets in trouble by the headmistress, and is ordered to do cleaning.
- She puts up with it because she wants to be Grand Magician one day. - Ailya mentions about the orphans and Ghental's "orphan plan"
- While she’s cleaning she talks to the woman in the green dress - woman can be the one who even asks why she puts up with the Headmistress.
- Does NOT awaken Maxine’s powers yet. Alain drops hint that Morkoth will be picking an adoptee tonight to be trained by the Sorcerers. - Sorcerers are looking for one among the orphans to train. (Decided to do "announcing" on the next day, not that night)
- Maxine sees Morkoth and talks to him - he gives her a new wand. (FAILED... didn't get fit in. Not important - borrow Kero's.)
- He tries to talk to her about the adoption thing, wondering who told her, but then, tells her that, no, it will not be her that is adopted. Maxine guesses that it is Abagail and he nods.
- Maxine runs off before he can be done with apologizing (or explain that he was going to adopt her himself).
[/spoiler]

Story:
[spoiler]
The Little Questors
Penna Marie Fischer

Chapter 1: The Vacant Orphan

The screams of students echoed across the school’s courtyard, catching the attention of anyone traveling across the bridges to other wings of the school. “Who is it this time?” they whispered among themselves.

“Who do you think?” screamed others running towards the commotion. “Maxine is in another fight again with Tommy‘s gang.”

There were six students in the middle of the crowd that were fighting each other, three on three. There were five boys altogether, one of whom was about six feet tall and built like a tank, while two of them were only about a short three feet tall (and lucky to measure that high), and the other two falling comfortably at average size. The two midgets were fighting each other, as were the average sized ones. But the one fighting the tank defied all logic.

She was female, with her long black hair tied up in a braid. Her eyes were a dull green in color, but had a sharp intensity to them. She was not built in any special way. In fact, she was shorter than the other two average sized boys, but still tall enough to get by with the description of average height. She was very lean and would look quite feminine in the school’s dress uniform - if it was torn and bloodied in several places. Nothing in her small frame gave the impression that should could take on the tank that dwarfed them all.

Her name was Maxine Alciard, and it was obvious she was winning.

The six foot and a half giant, named Tor, was indeed a brute, but he was lumbering and no where near as quick as the young girl. For every one of his hit or miss punches, she was able to land at least two or three good hits or kicks of her own which rarely missed.

Her two friends beside her were not doing so well, though. The smallest one, an elf named Kero, was clearly not built to handle hand to hand combat. After throwing a right hook that missed the nose of the half-elf boy named Cain, Tommy, the boy of average height, caught him in a choke hold and let Cain wail on him.

The girl kicked in the knee of the half giant and then delivered another kick to his chin. As Tor fell to the ground, she looked first over to her slightly taller friend Territh, and then over to the distressed Kero.

Thinking quick, she grabbed half of a broken wand that lay snapped in two pieces on the ground. Running across, she jabbed the broken end of the wood into Tommy’s neck. The stick, hardly a decent weapon, barely broke the skin, but the pain that seared through the boy’s body was enough to cause him to release the tiny elf boy as he screamed and made a grab for it.

Before the girl could land a more potent blow to the boy, she was seized from behind by two massive and meaty arms. Tor had managed to pick himself up while she was saving Kero. He had her arms locked in his elbows and all that she could do was hang there, helplessly kicking out.

Rubbing away a stream of blood, Tommy stood up to full height, a sick grin on his face as he stared at the girl’s dangling form. “Oh, I’m going to enjoy this.” Raising his fist, he punched the girl as hard as he could in the face. Next he went for her gut. The girl doubled over in pain. Tor released her and let her fall hard on the ground where she retched loudly, throwing up all the contents in her bruised stomach.

Reaching down, Tommy grabbed the girl up by her long braid and lifted her head until their eyes locked. “How’d you enjoy that, bitch?”

The girl’s dull green eyes stared back at him with utter hate and contempt. Throwing back her neck, she launched forward, spitting in the boy’s face.

“You damn bitch!” the boy screamed, raising his arm to punch her again. The girl grabbed the fist and bit hard into the boy’s wrist drawing blood. “Ow!!” the boy screamed. “Let go! Stop it! It hurts!” the boy screamed, but somehow the girl managed to hold on. With every movement of the boy’s arm, the girl’s teeth bit in just a little bit deeper. “Let go of me you dirty Vacant!”

“Tommy! Teacher!” Cain screamed above the noise. All around them, students were screaming and breaking away from the fight.

Tommy managed to free himself from Maxine’s jaw and took off on at a run. “Your mine next time, Maxine.”

Kero and Territh attempted to get Maxine to her feet, but they were not fast enough. Teachers descended on them quickly, catching them by the collars of their uniforms.

***

An hour later, Maxine and her two friends sat on the hard cold benches positioned outside the headmistress’s office. Inside a voice could be heard screaming at Tommy and his group. Leaning forward, she cast quick looks in either direction of the hall. Guards were positioned at either end to stop anyone from entering or exiting the hallway without permission. She leaned back in her chair and slumped with a sigh.

“My damn stomach hurts,” she grumbled as she wiped blood from her cut lip.

“Sorry, Maxine,” Territh said.

“That stupid Cain cast a spell on us, freezing us,” Kero said with a pout. “You aren’t hurt too bad, are you boss?”

Maxine smiled and ruffled the small elf’s blond hair. “I saw the black eye you gave him. Good job, guys.”

Territh handed Maxine the two halves of the wand that had been broken. “’Fraid there’s no way to fix this, though.”

Maxine took the wand and stared at it. “I doubt Ailya will give me another one. She told me last time that this was my last one.”

“I can let you borrow mine?” Kero suggested.

She shrugged. “No good point in it. It’s not like I can actually make the damn things work. So many years trying and… nothing. Hey, did you hear? Abigail received an invitation to the Magic Council.” A tear slid down her cheek and she bit her lip.

Kero shook his head, “You’ll get there too, boss. And then you’ll become a magician so powerful that you’ll beat Abigail. They’ll have to make you Grand Magician.”

She wiped the single tear away and nodded, “You’re right. I just gotta keep trying. I almost had it last night too, up in the tree. Did I tell you?” she said with a wide grin. “I managed to hold the Light Ball spell for thirty seconds. I’m getting better. I can feel it.”

The Light Ball spell. The beginning of the beginning for magicians. The spell was so simple that it was the requirement for everyone to cast it before they were accepted into the Middle East Arcadian Magic School, the most prestigious school on the continent of Sharanna. Except Maxine and her friends were special cases.

The door to the office opened, and out marched the three boys. Not a single one stared over at the other three as the walked away grumbled about their punishments.

“Maxine! Kero! Territh! Get in here, now!” a woman’s voice screeched from inside the office.

“Ready to face The Bat?” Maxine asked with a smirk. Neither Kero nor Territh replied as they trudged into the office first, each with their heads down.

The Bat was her affectionate name for Headmistress Ailya. It was the way the woman wore her raven black hair. Cropped short and split down the middle with the ends fanning out on either side. The day she met the woman as a young child, she had said to the woman that she looked like a bat while laughing - meaning it to be funny and cute. It had, instead, enraged the woman, and from day one Ailya targeted Maxine as a trouble maker.

Maxine closed the door behind her as she entered and stood in front of Ailya’s desk her two friends on either side of her.

Ailya stood up and went over to one of the windows and fondled the leaf of one of her beloved plants. “How many years has it been, Maxine? Since you came to my school?”

“Six years, ma’am.”

“Six years, has it really been that long? You came to us then when you were six, correct?”

Maxine nodded, wondering where this was going.

“Six years old. Much too young for our program. We only start our students off at the age of 10. But Emporer Ghental dumped a bunch of orphans off at my prestigious school all ranging from years five to ten, with the hope of giving you children a chance at a better life. How many were there? Fifty or so, wasn’t it?”

“Sounds about right, ma’am.”

“So tell me, Maxine, out of those fifty students or so, WHY is it that you three are the only ones in the whole group that gives me such a hard time,” she said, her voice raising throughout the sentence until the last word was said a at scream. “Fourty seven students, Maxine! That’s how many have managed to assimilate perfectly and enjoy the opportunities the crown has given to them! Before us, you were forgotten in some overcrowded orphanage. So, why? Why do you refuse to enjoy your life here at the school? To the point that you even refuse to study, trash labs and other facilities, and get into fights? Oh, and this is graduation day, isn‘t it? That makes today the second time you have failed your first year.”

She sat down at her desk. “I’m at my end with you, Maxine.” She then held up a letter, “And that is why I sent out a letter to his majesty and got this back in reply.” Pulling out a sheet of paper, Alain’s eyes skimmed the paper and she grinned widely. “It says here, I have until the end of the year with you. Maxine Alciard,” she said, putting the paper down and staring straight at her, “you’ve been given one more school year. If you cannot pass your first year with us, you will be expelled.”

She threw the letter at Maxine, but instead of flying at her, the letter slowed down until it was floating gracefully through the air and hung in front of her until she took it in her own hands.

“Read it and understand your final terms and conditions for staying in our school. As for Kero and Territh, should the two of you continue to be part of Maxine and her little shenanigans, you will face the same terms of expulsion along with Maxine. Understood?”

***

Three hours later, Maxine had a mop in her hands passing it over the bathroom floor she had been instructed to clean. Her head was spinning, even as something inside of her felt like it was dieing.

One year. One year to attempt to pass again. And it’s not for lack of studying as everyone around her claimed. No - not everyone claimed that she didn’t study. The other children saw it. They saw her struggling. That’s why they were convinced she was void of any magic - a Vacant. Children had been calling her a Vacant before she had even gotten into school. The orphange in Isana that she had come from had frequently teased her about it, but, it had been fine there. The orphanage was full of others who had no talent, either.

She dropped the mop and slumped up against the wall. “I didn’t ask to be brought here,” she muttered as she pulled the letter from out of her pocket. And yet as she had been leaving, she had laughed with her friends who were absolutely jealous at the chance that she had been given. “I’ll come back and show you all magic like you wouldn’t believe!” she had said.

The five others that had been with her were just as magic less as she was, and they each made fun of each other and called each other Vacant. Maxine bit her lip. When had it turned into an insult? When had she come to hate that word so much?

She pulled the sheet of paper out of her pocket once again and re-read it. The Emperor’s words were very clear on the sheet of paper. She hated that her name had been so perfectly penned. The Emperor knew her name - but not as a talented magician she wanted to be known as, but instead as a troublemaker that Ailya wanted to be rid of.

She buried her head in her knees. “Damn bat,” she said into them.

“Doesn’t seem fair, doesn it? That someone who tries so hard and wishes so desperately is always pushed down.”

Maxine’s head shot up. Standing in front of her was the most beautiful woman she had seen in her whole life.

Her hair was a bright, fiery red. Her eyes were a bright emerald green, framed by long, dark eyelashes. Her skin was the color of alabaster while her cheeks were colored with a rosy hue. Her lips were deeper still, a blood red that almost matched her hair. She was dressed in a beautiful emerald dress that matched her eyes. Along the edge of the bodice and the long sleeves, it was hemmed with lace. Resting on her long, graceful hands, she wore rings and bracelets.

For a moment, Maxine sat there dumbfounded. Finally, she shook her head and pointed towards the door, “Pardon me, ma’am, but didn’t you see the sign outside? This bathroom is closed for cleaning. I’m sorry, you’ll have to find another bathroom. There’s one not far from here, just down the hallway.”

The woman smiled. Taking the paper in between her index and thumb she pulled it from Maxine’s hand and read it. “I half expected you to be crying when you put your head down like that,” she said in a voice that carried a slight tinge of surprise and approval.

Maxine shrugged. “Yeah. It does hurt. A little bit, but it’s nothing I didn’t expect from the woman. And, honestly, it’s a fair deal.”

“Oh? So why do you stay and put up with her? Wouldn’t it be better to run off and escape this place?”

“Well… I have a dream. I want to learn magic. I… I want to become a Grand Magician. You see… Sorcerer Morkoth, he promised me. He said that if I did really good in magic that he would adopt me.”

“Sorcerer Morkoth? You know him?”

Maxine nodded her head excitedly. “Yeah. He comes to the school from time to time to watch us orphans. We met one day when I was crying after having been dropped off here. I was having trouble doing magic and he told me to keep working at it. It’s always hard at first. Some people spend their lives trying to make it work and then some just one day wake up and discover that they are great magicians or possibly even Sorcerers like him.”

She stood up and took the mop back up in her hand. “Two years ago when I started he told me to keep working hard and he would adopt me and we’d be sister and brother. Hehe, that’s what we call each other when no one’s around, like I‘m part of the Brotherhood.”

The woman smiled thinly. “Then today might just turn into an exciting day for you. I hear Socerer Morkoth arrived just this morning.”

Maxine spun around. “Brother’s here?! No one even mentioned that he was here.” She could feel her heart start to race with excitement at the thought of getting to see her favorite person again.

“Well as I hear, he’s here for only one person this time. The one he’s adopting into the Brotherhood.”

The mop clattered to the floor as Maxine raced out of the bathroom, leaving the woman behind, forgotten. She stared down at the sheet of paper in her hands. “Maxine Alciard.” Her lips broke out into a wide grin of accomplishment. “I’ve found her. Morkoth, you’re a fool. You‘ve had her under your nose this whole time and never realized. How pathetic.”

***

Hall after hall, Maxine raced through, holding the ends of her dress up searching for the person she called brother. First the east wing: first floor - no, second floor - no, third floor - no. Then the main building: dining hall - no, headmistress’s hallway - no (though she could not rule out the office), staff’s lounge - no (“Maxine! What are you doing here. You know students aren’t allowed down here,” several teachers screamed at her.) The classroom hallway - no. Heading for the double doors, she raced out into fresh open air, onto the bridge that connected the main building to the west wing. She stopped dead, though, as she stared out towards the courtyard - there!

Standing there, amongst a crowd of graduates, was Sorcerer Morkoth. Standing in front of him, conversing with him, was Abigail - another of the fifty orphans that had joined the school six years ago. Unlike Maxine, Abigail had been ten years old and had begun her studies right away and was soon Headmistress Ailya’s favorite and by far the most talented student in the school. The disgusting taste of bitter jealousy filled Maxine’s mouth whenever she looked at the girl. At one point Maxine had actually attempted to make friends with the girl - but Abigail had a rotten personality.

“Get away from me, Vacant. And don’t touch me with those filthy hands. You should be ashamed of yourself. Even your uniform has tears in it. Is that the way you show appreciation for the school that took you in.”

Maxine stared over at the two of them. She didn’t want to go anywhere near Abigail. She had no interest in being embarrassed or insulted in front of Morkoth. Instead, she headed for a tree.

It was a massive tree. Some huge old oak tree that had been there from ages long past, predating even the school. Many of its branches hung over the small river that flowed by lazily in the summer heat. There were many trees in the courtyard but none more fun than this one. It was fun to dive off the branches into the river. Or sometimes she would sit under its cool shade and fish. Then of course there were the times that she had spent the night outside, nestled in its branches. And the memories of broken bones received. It was a special tree. It was her tree.

Climbing up it quickly with ease, she wondered if Morkoth would think to look up when he past under it - would he remember her? She bit her lip with worry at the test she was creating. Always worried that he would have forgotten about her.

It seemed like an eternity before Morkoth broke off his conversation with Abigail. The girl, dressed in the ceremonial blue garb of the graduation smiled widely at the Sorcerer before taking off at a dead run across the grounds and underneath Maxine. Morkoth followed after her at a more leisurely pace.

For a moment, Maxine worried that he really was going to pass under without looking up at all. Maybe she should throw something at him? The thought of it miffed her off. But then the Sorcerer stopped and looked up suddenly, a smile across his face. “Afternoon, Sister.”

Joy filled her heart instantly. Close to tears, she smiled and answered back, “Afternoon, Brother.” And she quickly climbed down the tree.

He was already kneeling on one knee when she threw her arms around his neck and the two hugged each other tightly. He held her back after a long embrace and stared her over. She was suddenly very conscious of every bruise and scrape, from her black eye, to her split lip, to her torn uniform and bloodied black uniform she had not changed out of yet.

He was dressed in his Magic Ministry uniform that was black with a dark violet lining at the cuffs and buttons and on the underside of his epaulet. The empire’s symbol was emblazed in gold on the front: a four legged wing dragon wrapped in a circle as if it were trying to bite its tail. His black hair was also glossed black and shined bright in the summer sun.

But, instead of the familiar glare of disappointment she got from other adults, Morkoth’s blue eyes only glint with a silent mirth. “Got into another fight?” he asked with a light laugh.

“Tommy’s gang again,” she said with a sniff.

“Who won this time?”

“Tommy got the drop on me this time, but I showed that Tor he’s too big for his own good.”

He laughed and ruffled her hair. “What started it off?”

She sighed and took out the broken wand halves from a pocket on her dress. “He broke my wand. I was being good, too, and just studying.”

“Ailya must have not been too happy with you, huh?”

Maxine stared down at the ground. It took a moment for her to find her words. Morkoth’s brow furrowed, “Maxine? Is everything ok?”

“S-she’s throwing me out in a year, if I don’t pass first year.”

Morkoth frowned. “She doesn’t have that right.”

“She contacted Emperor Ghental.”

Morkoth nodded, “I see. Well, you know, I’m sure you won’t have to worry about it. You just show her up and graduate this coming year and she’ll have to keep you around anyways.”

She smiled widely, “But, I don’t have to worry about it anyways, right? I mean, you’re going to be adopting me today, aren’t you?”

Morkoth paused, suddenly caught off guard, “Umm, what?”

“Well, that’s what I was told. That you were here to adopt someone?”

Morkoth’s face fell and his eyes became hard. “Who told you that?”

She could feel the disappointment start to well up inside her. “Some woman in a green dress. Don’t know who she was. Why? Is it not true?”

Morkoth closed his eyes and sighed. “I was going to tell you in a better way than this, and I’m sorry someone got your hopes up like that.”

She stepped back, “You’re not adopting anyone. Well… that’s fine. That’s kinda harsh that someone would lie to me like that.”

He sighed, “No, Maxine. I am adopting someone.”

Maxine felt as if she had been struck in the gut again by Tommy’s fist. “W-what? I don’t…”

“I’m going to be adopting Abigail into the Brotherhood, Maxine. Emperor Ghental asked me to.”

“I…Abigail?” her head was swimming. “But, wait, I mean, can’t you still adopt me? I mean-”

Morkoth shook his head, “It’s complicated, Maxine. I have certain obligations with my rank. Look, it’s not what you think. Let me get Abigail settled -”

“You promised!” Maxine shrieked at him, tears coursing down her cheeks. “You promised me and you adopt Abigail instead. You - you’re no different than anyone else I know!”

“Maxine, you’re not listening. I know what I promised.”

“I HATE YOU!!” she screamed and took off at a dead run across the courtyard.[/spoiler]

[Maxine MagicFox]