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The line is probably somewhere between Gerard Butler's Leonidas and Joaquin Phoenix as himself in I'm Still Here.

Trim that beard up and you've got Mr Kino....

Yeah, Mr Phoenix. Leonidas's beard was about 2-3 months ago.

N-no beards. Just a little stubble maybe. Yes, scruffy can be good. :3

/GETTING NO WORK DONE

Ugh. Let me try to remember.

Ok, Donkey Kong was a real dude, and he went on a meth-induced rampage and killed a ton of people. One of the people was the Russian president or something, and it caused a lot of tension between us and them. Then there was a really significant world-ending crisis that united America and Russia but I can't remember what.

One thing that kept happening after that was people killing themselves. First there was the Korean guy from Lost jumping off of a building, which was a big deal. Then there was this guy who lives across the street from me. He backed his van into my driveway, opened up the door, and handed me a fucking rocket launcher, telling me to blow him up. I had a long discussion with him about what he had to live for, but eventually my words were scraping a screen of misery that was keeping out all logic. Eventually he got frustrated and drove his van off of a cliff. Then I looked up into the sky and saw helicopters crashing into themselves and stuff. My middle brother committed suicide in prison. Eminem came to my house for some reason and brought a ton of insects and spiders and shit and released them in my room. He told me that he was toking up on crickets (yes he was putting crickets in a bong and everything) when he realized that he needed to die. I don't know...he did some last deed to help the world (can't remember but it made the news) before offing himself. Eventually there were whole city squares full of mass-suicide, but there was hope of some sort of cure that would turn off all of the suicidal thoughts in the world, like some big transmitter at the north pole that needed to be destroyed. The dream ended as this scientist (who was observing dog suicide) was rushing off to tell the military something important, when one of his dogs went berserk and tried to kill me.

You just have to top whatever I say, don't you?

DAMMIT ZACHARY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET!

Now I have to think of another present for you. In two days. Damn you.

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