Posted: Tue Mar 08, 2011 2:54 am
:V
I'm gone for a few days, and look what I miss!
First of all, Ry-chan, I'm so sorry that your dad said those things to you. It's never nice to hear that sort of thing, especially from your parents.
Anyway, I really sympathize with what you said about lacking motivation. It's very frustrating to think of all that you could do, or might even want to do, and yet feel like it is beyond your practical reach. If it helps you feel any better, I'm well into my twenties and I have yet to meet someone who hasn't struggled to some extent with finding what they want to do and sticking to it. I don't think there are many adults who simply knock down life goals as simply as bowling pins, one after another. Some people do pick a career or other pursuit and jump into it right after high school, but for these people trial and error usually follows even the most certain plans.
One of my best friends went right through with her education and career goals as soon as she decided it, and ended up with a useful degree and a fine job to go with it. However, years later she still ended up having to reexamine her life and realize that she wouldn't be able to accomplish everything she'd had on her list of life dreams. And this is a very determined, disciplined person.
Motivation has always been a problem for me, too. Many people, especially those who experience anxiety, depression, or high sensitivity, find themselves struggling to keep up with tasks throughout adolescence and young adulthood. They may feel distraught and stressed from the buildup of even non-threatening tasks, and start to feel like they want to get away from it all, turning to entertainment to feel a little better. As a result, parents or friends might develop an impression of someone who spends all their free time on games, anime, etc. But the reality is that even people who are considered over-achievers run into this very same problem.
You can't really force yourself to be motivated, because part of why it's so hard is the pressure involved. Does it feel like you're not even sure where to begin?
Everything Optional Boss said is right, and it does seem like your dad has some quite high expectations for you. It was sort of heartbreaking to read that you wanted this to be your best year yet, because the year after graduation is a big year for everyone and it's also very hard for almost everyone. It's extremely common to feel like you're in limbo at this point in your life - that's even true of kids who start college right away! It's just a part of emerging adulthood.
Ultimately, it's your life and you have to find what motivates you and what works as a good structure. When it comes to talking to your parents, it may help just to remind them that you really are trying, even if it doesn't always seem like it to them, but nothing is perfectly in a person's control. Even very talented people need to spend time looking out for opportunities as well as figuring out what they really want to pursue.
Also, I think it's worth mentioning how admirable it is that you stood by your commitment to your friend even with personal gain at stake, even if it was "only" a birthday. You were trying to give a happy day to a friend who otherwise has a difficult and stressful family environment. That's a sign of great character if anything, and I'd like to think your parents could be proud of that. Maybe you could mention to them next it comes up that this is why you did it.