Zamisk, my mother is clinically diagnosed.
It's not always easy to try to figure out. My mother, a wonderful woman, has extreme mood swings. It's not always about sitting in a corner crying to yourself. It's holding onto things.
It's about going to amusement parks, but instead of being happy, she would be miserable. The happiness almost seemed to be the saddest moment of her life.
I grew up with it. I remember there were days she just didn't feel like getting up out of bed. Seriously. Hearing my mom say "I wish I was never born" is a common occurrence that we have learned to cope with.
What's worse, it's hard to get her to take her medication. Her anti-depressants have such an obvious and better impact, but she doesn't see it. I sometimes think that they need to up the dose, but she gets in the mood of "what's the point".
And unfortunately it runs in the family.
I've grown up my whole life wondering and trying to cope with the horror of "omg, what if I'm depressed, too." Going through middle school and having my own slew of suicidal thoughts was especially trying. There are many days that I will stare in the mirror and stare at myself and just wonder.... "Should I be on anti-depressants"?
So, I started a stupid game for myself in high school that I remember and drudge up every now and again. I count how many times during the day I smile. This lead up to the stupid habit of smiling at the most annoying things in front of me - to try to get my smile count up.
and ^_^ count too .... which is probably why to this day I use my happy face emoticon SO much.
These days I still wonder about myself. I've had days where I've rolled back in my bed and thought "I'm just going back to sleep because my GOD I do NOT want to face the world." My sadness can be crushing but...
I think I've decided that I am probably not depressed, that I do not need medication for it. Sadness in the day is perfectly human. I smile when I'm suppose to and find enjoyment in my achievements instead of just it reminding me of the times that I did not achieve.
^_^ And, thankfully, I have a sweet memory to go with this from just a few months ago. I'm not likely to forget any time soon.
When I look back on this moment all I can think of is "my GOD that was a fun night and I wish I could go back to that one single moment!! .... I WILL HAVE ANOTHER NIGHT LIKE THAT ONE DAY, I SWEAR!!"
I don't know if these words will help you any, Zamisk. I just know what that fight is like. Being that lost and scared and worried. And it's not always obvious. Even as bad as my mom was growing up, she was not diagnosed officially until I was in high school and it was a "oooh" moment. Just hang in there, and if you do feel that maybe you need counseling and/or medication, do not be afraid to seek it out, nor ashamed. There ARE mild case of depression. Those accounts are only the worst.
If you like, don't be afraid to PM me and I can share some more stories to try to help you decide if you need help or not, or just feel free to talk.